any given thursday
"We cannot know what will occur, just make our journey worth the taking and pray we're wiser than we were in the beginning."
--Stephen Schwartz, Children of Eden
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Let Me Be Your Star
I find inspiration everywhere. In art, in music, in nature…in life. Sometimes, though, I worry about my lack of motivation. See, I get these amazing ideas, ideas so magnificent that some of them make me cry, and then I usually do nothing about them. I try to make my life worry- and stress-free, but when I deviate from these ideas I usually end up making myself more miserable. My love of music has always been something that I’ve wanted to share with the world. Never, not once in my life, have I ever doubted that I was given this voice and this love so intense that sometimes I get so wrapped up in the emotion of a song that I allow it to influence my own emotions. Sometimes, when I sing, I end up singing it like Lea Michele would. I want to be on stage in front of the world, it’s all I have ever wanted, but slowly, the possibility is slipping away. Inside of me is a star, aching to shine; a star that longs for the day it can ascend into the heavens. I fear, though, that this star may remain pent up in me for so long that it will eventually create a black hole of resentment that will suck all my happiness in. For years, I have begged my mother to let me take dance classes, acting classes, singing classes, etc. I always wanted to audition for every solo and every part and everything I could, but I was never able to really become involved because I was the child of a single working mom. Maybe it was fate, maybe I was born with these star qualities that were meant to be snuffed out. Or maybe I’m just not ready to start down my path to stardom quite yet. All I know is that once I get out into the real world, I won’t be satisfied until I leave my mark. I will never be satisfied until I have my day in the spotlight. Until that day, though, I will wait (rather impatiently) for my moment to finally arrive.
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Interesting People
Today I was purchasing a book in Barnes & Noble and the cashier asked me if I would like to donate $3.99 to help buy books for underprivileged children. I jokingly told him that I work a job that pays minimum wage and I work maybe three times a month so, even though I felt extremely selfish, I would have to decline. We had a light-hearted conversation about being a broke young adult in today’s world, and then I thanked him and went to walk away when he said, “God judges the heart, you know.”
This statement is so simple, but at the same time it strikes a chord. Even if something you do goes disastrously wrong, it’s your intentions going into it that truly matter to God. As long as you keep good thoughts and good intentions in your heart, whether you’re Christian or not, you will be rewarded in the long run.
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reflections
So today I got on tumblr for the first time in a loooooooooong time and I realized I had lost two followers. It was kind of a sad moment, but I’m not sure what I expected after not posting for five months. Still, the fact that two people had to actually go out of their way to unfollow me made me feel…not really sad, just kind of disappointed.
Anyways, I’ve been doing a lot of meditation lately (not like folding my legs and chanting “om,” just sitting down and thinking about my life in general) and I’ve been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I feel like up until now, I’ve just sort of floated around without much consideration for what I was actually doing. Now that I’m a junior, though, and I have to start making decisions about my future, and to be honest it scares the you-know-what out of me. I don’t really know if I’m making the right decisions and I have a new-found appreciation for what my parents have been dealing with since they were my age. It’s tough to have to make decisions that effect my entire future happiness, and I would be willing to pay anything to know that what I’m doing is what’s best for me. So far, I think I’ve done okay, but what about college? What about deciding my major? What happens if I pick the wrong thing?
All this stuff makes me wonder…is there more than one path laid out for us, or are we all destined for the choices we make and the life we lead? Is everything planned out for me? Do we even HAVE a choice, or is choice an illusion that masks the fact that everything we do is predetermined? Something to think about…
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new year, not so new you
6 months and 24 posts later, I am no closer to achieving my original goal than the day I started. I never actually came out and said my goal, and maybe that was the problem. I’m not trying to set out to change myself, especially not for the sake of the people around me. It’s not that I have an attitude of not caring about what other’s think. In fact, I believe that not caring how the world perceives you show’s a certain lack of self-respect, simply because you have no cares about how you carry yourself. I definitely do NOT want to change myself. I think I’m a pretty cool person. I just want to make improvements on myself so the rest of the world can see the “me” I know is there; not for popularity, or so I can impress people, or anything like that. I just want people to see who I really am so I can feel okay when I come across someone who doesn’t like me, because then I’ll know I showed my true self. Not everyone’s going to like you, that’s a fact of life, but you should show your best side to the world (if not for anyone else’s sake, than to make your life less stressful).
I’m going to start walking/running on the trails in my neighborhood so I don’t have to worry about whether my clothes fit right and because I know exercise will make me feel better. I’m going to eat healthy so that my body works the way it’s supposed to and, again, so I’ll feel better. I’m going to try and have a sunnier disposition. I asked a really good friend of mine for her honest opinion of me, and she said she feels like I try to one-up people’s problems. Keep in mind that this friend does bring people down A LOT, but she told me what I asked her to, and I thanked her and took it as constructive criticism. I don’t want anyone to have that impression of me, ESPECIALLY a person who is generally pretty negative.
I wouldn’t call this a “New Year’s Resolution” post. Rather, an overall life resolution. I don’t want it to be one of those things that just fades out. I know I have room to improve, and I want to work at it every single day.
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My life is not a particularly interesting life, so when little things like making all green lights on the way to school and having a free day in second period come along, it puts me in a good mood. That’s a pretty big deal because, lately, I’ve felt like I had this cloud hanging over my head. I’ve been sluggish and I haven’t wanted to do anything except sit at home watching 30 Rock and eat lemon sherbet. It’s been driving me, and my mother, crazy that all I do is sit around. But today, there was hope.
Today was a good day. I got two A’s on tests and it’s great stormy, cold weather outside. Most everyone likes the sunshine and warmth. Not me. I would just as soon pack up and move to a place where it rains all the time or snows all the time. I love the cold and hot chocolate and apple cider. I love hats and scarves and gloves and fluffy coats. The beginning of winter is a happy time for me, and walking through the sleet today reminded me that the little things, like icy rain, can really make all the difference.
When I sat down to write a post today, I wanted to write something deep. I wanted to write something that would make me feel like I was smart and interesting and witty. I couldn’t come up with anything, and realized I shouldn’t force it. If I were writing for other people, I would make up interesting stories and try to do crazy things to get followers. I write for me though. Not for the forum.
I decided to keep it simple after all.
